According to conventional wisdom and surveys, men typically cheat because their needs aren’t being met at home. This certainly makes sense and probably explains most cheating. When I commented on a post by wanderingchristing and mentioned my dilemma to her, she immediately responded with the obvious question, “what is missing between you and your wife?” This is a great question and one I have contemplated as I’ve tried to work through my internal struggle.
As I’ve thought about this question, the answer seems to be: not a whole heck of a lot. I met my wife in college and it was love at first sight. We were engaged after a short period of time and married soon after that. We’ve been married for many years now and have a couple great kids. Our marriage now is as good as it has ever been and our sex life has actually improved with time and it has gotten to the point where we’re really quite good at it! So, the fact that I am attracted to this woman friend at work doesn’t seem to be because I’m in a dead end, loveless, sexless marriage. My wife is beautiful, smart and funny. She’s a great wife and a terrific mother and a loyal friend. I’m really not on the hunt trying to find something that I’m not getting at home.
To be fair, I also know that no husband or wife can ever supply 100% of what their spouse needs in a relationship. For example, I know that my wife needs her girlfriends to talk to because I just don’t fully meet her needs when it comes to daily conversation. Likewise, I have guy friends that meet my needs for outdoor adventures and such. I think this is all quite normal.
I suppose one thing Diane provides that I don’t get at home is the fun of getting to know a new person and getting to hear new stories about someone and getting to share old stories that my wife has heard a hundred times. After many years of marriage, there’s not a lot of new discovery about your spouse. You know the other person very well and they know you very well. It is kind of fun to have a new person to share stories with and have someone look at you and appreciate you from a different perspective. But I’m not sure this explains the intensity of the feelings I have felt for Diane. I’ve certainly enjoyed the fun of getting to know many new friends through the years (some who were also attractive women) without feeling the desire to put my marriage at risk.
Tags: what's missing?, why men cheat
May 4, 2008 at 10:54 pm
You have been fortunate to have found your love at first sight. Shared many years and happy memories. Is it worth it to upset the balance now? Do you really want to open a can of worms by confessing your feelings to Diane? I do not know you or her so I cannot judge how she will react. Suggestion would be for you to make some serious effort to rekindle the passion and give your family a true second chance. Sometimes maybe you just need to start appreciating the people and things you already have around you. The lure of the new and unknown might not always have the best outcome.
Maybe I am a coward. Maybe I am jaded from the game. However, if I were you, I won’t jeopardize what I have. How would you feel if the role was reversed and your wife does what you are contemplating? Do you really want to put her and your family through all the potential mess? Is it worth it? Sometimes, it is better to just remain friends. Perhaps that is what Diane wants from you. Perhaps. I don’t know.
I just watched The Bucket List and Morgan Feeman’s character in the movie as he talked about his wife struck a chord. Go on your own journey to discover what you want. Perhaps like him, you just got married too early and never had a chance to find out what you want. Find out for yourself if the intensity of the feelings you have for another is love or lust. Remember…it is possible to love more than one person. You just got to decide for yourself, which of the one you love is the one you want to wake up to every morning. Good luck!