I’m going to tell her

I’ve decided to share this blog with Diane. I’m a bit nervous about doing it because I don’t know what will be the ultimate outcome. In my heart, I believe it will be good and I completely trust Diane and am willing to put the outcome in her hands. I can only speculate as to what her reactions and emotions will be as she reads through the entire story and I hope that after it’s all said and done she’ll be able to share her thoughts with me.

As part of sharing this blog with her, I have a small gift that I am going to give her. The gift is a bookmark and it has a symbolic meaning. Being a bookmark, it symbolizes an important point in our relationship, however, the full extent of the meaning will only be known over time.

I believe the bookmark will ultimately come to symbolize one of the following:

• The point in time that our relationship took a downward turn to an awkward place that ultimately led to a dissolved or diluted friendship.
• The start of a new chapter and an upward turn in our relationship fueled by greater trust, honesty and transparency.

I know which outcome I am praying for.

Diane- You amaze me; you are a blessing; I love you. -Steve

PS. The story begins here.

Retrospective illumination and über blessings

I said in a previous post that “I wonder sometimes how I developed such a strong affection for Diane in such a short period of time.” In the last day, however, a thought has occurred to me. Diane is really the first woman I’ve encountered since meeting my wife some 20 years ago who really rivals my wife in every aspect of who she is. It’s not that Diane is just like my wife – she’s not – it’s that she is the same kind of beautiful, exceptional person that my wife is, but in her own unique way. So, in retrospect I suppose it’s not that difficult to understand how I could start falling for Diane in a more-than-platonic way because many years ago I met this same kind of amazing woman and fell head-over-heels in love with her and married her.

And now that I think about it in this way, another thought occurs to me and it is that I am a doubly blessed person. For 20 years, I have been blessed to have an amazing friend/wife/lover to share my life with outside of work. And now, I have the additional blessing of having an equally amazing friend that I get to spend time with every day at work. All I can say is that God is good and I am humbled to have this incredible blessing in my life.

“Breathe this moment a little bit longer; make each sensation a little bit stronger.” -Rush, Time Stand Still

Freedom

I’ve reached the other side of an intense personal internal struggle and it is beginning to feel good. I feel like a weight is lifting and a tightness in my chest is releasing. I now know in my heart that my true desire is not to cheat on my wife and my true intention towards Diane is not to pursue an inappropriate relationship with her. Satan did a masterful job of trying to tempt my flesh, jack with my emotions and twist my thoughts, but I feel like I have faced the attack head on and have come through by the grace of God and the strength of Christ who lives in me.

I feel a sense of freedom now. Freedom to be friends with Diane to the fullest extent possible. Freedom to enjoy a relationship with her based on trust and transparency – free from guilt and suspicion. This is what I have truly desired all along.

Satan is an asshole

I think I’ve finally reached clarity regarding my inner struggle. What I’ve come to understand is that Satan is an asshole. Sure, I’ve always known he was the enemy, but through this experience I’ve come to have a new appreciation for what a jerk he is.

My friendship with Diane is one of the best things I have in my life right now. It’s not that my life otherwise sucks – it’s actually pretty good – but Diane adds a dimension of joy and meaning to my life that I didn’t previously have – and that’s a beautiful thing. It’s truly a blessing from God. And Satan, the asshole, has tried to ruin the whole thing and destroy everything that is good in my life in the process.

I wonder sometimes how I developed such a strong affection for Diane in such a short period of time, but mostly I’m just grateful for it. Although I make friends pretty easily and have many friends, it is actually quite rare that I really connect with someone on every level. I suppose that’s true for other people as well. Diane is one of those rare people for me where everything about her resonates with me and I know that is a big reason for the strength and depth of friendship I feel towards her. I’m not sure if she sees me as that same kind of person for her, but I hope that she does in some small measure (at least enough to want to keep me in her life as a friend forever .

So, as I’ve worked through this inner struggle and prayed through it and blogged it out, here is the clarity that I have reached:

• My affection for Diane is strong and deep.
• My love for her is appropriate (agape).
• My intentions toward her are honorable.
• Satan, the asshole, has done his best to confuse me and to distort my feelings for Diane. He has done his best to get the current of love and affection that I feel for Diane to overflow the banks of agape and spill out into the flood plain of eros.
• I know that the lasting joy of an appropriate and honorable relationship with Diane will far exceed the temporary thrill of any misguided dalliance.